I think im over it and am moving on

So I skipped a day. But its ok, im back on track and have a lot to write. No more Gator I went and had ice cream last night and thought about it and im not completely over the Gator but I have realized that I need to move on and let go. I started reading my book "Finding Mr. right" and well he was one just not that into me, anything can happen, and he really didn't fit my whole thing and I should never settle for less than what I want. So enough is enough, im letting it all go and moving on with life; I will not be sad or cry over this individual anymore, he is not worth my time.

The next venture is my match.com boy, hes the one from tennesse and we have been chatting for a bit. Well he emailed me and finally asked me when we can meet so I gave him my schedule and no word, what is up with these guys and not responding, idk if I said something wrong but I haven't heard back from him in two days. Oh well.

I think what I need to do is start looking for people, but not looking. Everyone tells me it will happen when it is supposed to. I laugh. Im going to be the best available hot chick out there this weekend; and find myself a date. We will see what happens this weekend. My thoughts on love for today, move on if it aint working, don't settle for less, and follow your instincts. I think in this situation with the gator that is the only thing left for me to do so that I can move on with my life and not dwell on things. Another thing is it is best to get closure which with this guy I haven't had so I think im really torn because he has no idea why I got upset and I didn't get to speak my mind. However, if I wasn't worth a call or he didn't miss me, then he wasn't and isn't worth me. I am a HOT CHICK and I deserve to be treated like one. Honestly he didn't fit my list and I let myself settle for less.

Im giving up and throwing in the towel

Well here I am again. Back to square one, my usual slogan reads "Another one bites the dust" but in this case, I was the one biting dust. Where do I start: I was really upset because its been 5 days and no word from the Gator. Im dying and its killing me because I have not heard one word from this individual not even a facebook comment. I was very antsy and thought that I need to be rash and email or text or something. Well I went home today from work instead of going straight to the gym, and Ive been borrowing the internet from my neighbors and lately it hadn't been working correctly. And for some reason (was it a sign) I was able to connect. Anyhow, I just got online to check some things out and noticed this Gator was reactivated on match.com; like 3 days ago. This infuriated me, how can someone who doesn't know what they want and is supposed to be thinking of what they want to let me know, go and sign up for online dating? So I deleted him from my facebook and I blocked him from my match.com account. I think my decision was rash, but justified for the way I was feeling. I can honestly say that I am hurt and very much torn from this. This guy I believed him and thought because he told me what he wanted from the first conversation, he was older, and he wasn't that great looking he would be nice to me. LIES, what is wrong with the boys, not even men out here. I mean I can expect this behavior from a gorgeous looking guy, a cocky guy, an arrogant guy, etc, but this one; didn't expect it at all. I was blind-sided and feel hurt. Where else and what else do I try? In my rage of anger I wanted to text him just to let him know that is why I deleted him, however I was distracted by a call. Here goes with the male perspective: do not call/text him, if hes really interested he will call you and call you and call you, hes 30 and still doesn't know what he wants, he will NEVER know, and if he doesn't call/text/email, let it go because it isn't ment to be. I was shocked, this calmed me down, it was the truth and those words mean so much, and was it a sign? Lol. Ive had it. I am on this great mission to find love and keep getting hurt along the way. Ive put up with this non-sense for 3 years and am tired. I went over to courts to eat and eat and drink…

Im getting impatient here

Men have such a different perspective on what women should do. Today still no word from Gator. I actually facebook stalked him today which was not any good. I think that I may have a problem, just a little one cause he is just taking too long to make up his mind. Its frustrating me. However, I was chatting with my friend, we will call him Dan Dan, and well he knew how heartbroken I was and upset over the Gator before he went home on vacation so he aksed me how it was going with the Gator. I told him that he had been acting like a douche-bag but it was a lot of back and forth. Then on New Years I got plastered and called him and make a complete fool out of myself which did not make the situation any better. And the Gator told me he was unsure of basically everything and that he didn't know what to do or to tell me on what he wants. So I told him to pretend I didn't exsist until he could figure it out and since ive been getting all antsy and he hasn't called me that I had made the decision to just email him and tell him all the things that I feel and then leave it as is. Dan Dan didn't think that was such a great idea. Wow, I thought it was an amazing idea, well more for some closure for me this way if he decided to give me the reject button I would have at least stepped forward and spoke my peace and did it first. HA!!! Dan Dan said NO!!! I cant believe him, he said no because I told Gator that to pretend I didn't exist so I need to let him do that, also that I needed to move on, and not just a regular move on but move on mentally. Go forward, don't look back, don't think about it anymore, and let it all go. So just in the event or the case if Gator decided to come back to me and figure out what he wanted, this would be a total shock for him and it would surprise him, which would work in my favor. Woah, that was a big slap in the face, im not ready to let it go and im definitely not ready to move on. I mean who am I going to move on to, I do not even have any sort of rebound guys to go to. That frustrated me and basically made me feel like this loser guy Gator is not going to come back, why would Dan Dan imply for me to move on, ugh.

So I am not completely over this but I did activate my match.com account. Which has worked out great so far, well at least for day one; we will see what the next few days have in store for me. I met this one guy from Cali, but he seemed kind of weird, like he didn't want to talk to me but was ready to yahoo chat and give me his number, and so on. So im not sure about this one, however he may be harmless only cause he doesn't live here. Also there is this other guy that I was chatting with before I got all serious with the Gator, so he had emailed me but since I cancelled my account so I didn't email him back but I did email him back and he emailed me back so maybe this guy will be my next catch. Who knows, we have been chatting back and forth for awhile now and finally he mentioned us meeting. So maybe me moving on will be easier than I think. I do miss the Gator though and wishes he would come back. : ( But for now I guess im just doing this and getting by and moving on like Dan Dan suggested for me to do. So my thought for today will be: it may not be easy but as long as you have someone to keep you entertained for the meantime or let you know that your worthy of company, then life starts to look up. I think more people die from loneliness rather than broken hearts. Which makes me feel that I need to start expanding my network of people and friends cause I don't want to be lonely.

Day Two – Mission for love

So today is day two for my "love" journal. I did some more thinking today on what things mean in life. Last night I went to see a movie and it was weird, the current guy, Gator, well he still hasn't I guess made up his mind. So I ended up going to the movies with my family. I recently have had this whole thing on "signs"; do they really mean something or do we intentionally try to look for signs or symbols to mean or represent something in life to show an individual that things are supposed to happen. How true are signs? Ive been contemplating this for a few days now. Well so Gator and I are on this break (btw – this is killing me, cause I am so impatient when it comes to not knowing how someone else feels about me) and I go to the movies, well the helicopter operator (Gator flies a helicopter) in the movie is named "Trudy" which is the Gator's nickname, which are two signs. Before I had left to my moms house, I had thought that maybe I need to just call him and tell him that he is right and we shouldn't work things out, hes leaving, hes already not sure, ive made an ass out of myself, hes has done the same, im still in school; basically everything that has gone wrong within the time period that I have known him. I think if I could just say it first without him thinking or giving him the time to think that I will be okay with the whole situation only because I would have said it first and in my mind I think that im not getting hurt instead it would be a mutual decision. So what does this mean, I wanted to call him and let it go, then I don't but go and see this movie and here he is, its him a helicopter pilot named "trudy" that's a sign. Or do I just want it to be? Im so unsure of things right now, do I just want to look for things so that I can see things in a positive way and think that all these things mean he is coming back or am I just looking for things to make myself think that he will come back to me.

So today I went to HEB to go and pick up some groceries. I had a bad day, Ive been going through this whole, im ready and why isn't it happening? Im pretty, young, smart, I really don't think that anything is wrong with me; but at the same time I feel like whats going on with me, Im 26 going on 27, I don't have a boyfriend, I haven't had a relationship in 3 years so whats the problem. Ive dated, ive given guys chances, ive also been a jerk. But for the most part, im starting to give in and have made more of an attempt to "make" things work rather than just being a jerk to these guys who are showing interests in me. So on top of the "signs" thing, ive also been feeling like "whats wrong with me". It is concerning me, where I am questioning this thing as to what is wrong with me. Im lonely and tired and want to meet someone, settle down, and possibly have a serious relationship to possibly be a potential person for me to marry. So back to the groceries; im in line and there is a mini-book "complete Idiots guide: Finding Mr. Right" and as the grocery girl is checking me out, I start glancing at it. There is an older lady who is watching me and says, "A beautiful young girl like you does not need to be reading that book" I laughed and said its harder than you think, and she said those books are for old women like me you are too beautiful to be reading that, and I laughed and bought the book anyway. So on my year journey I will start off by reading this book and maybe this will give me a different insight on how to find mr. right, cause what Im doing now is not working!